I HATE THE SOUND OF MY VOICE !

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Your finally accepting the fact that you can sing but……theres another problem! YOU HATE HOW YOU SOUND!
You like how you sound when your at home alone and singing in the shower or just singing around the house and you say to yourself “ok ok, i got some skills there, ok!!.” So you decide that maybe people are right and you should probably take this seriously. So you begin to record how you sound. You play it back and begin to cringe at the the sound of your voice at play back. You hate show you sound, you believe you sound like a stranded goat or nails on a chalkboard and you become disgusted. IS THIS YOU?…….
Ladies and gentlemen, this is normal, it doesn’t mean that you can’t sing or are not an artist, it simply means that you realize that you have a lot of work to do when it comes to perfecting your gift. How do I know? because this was myself a couple of months ago. I cringed at the sound of my voice during play back and wanted to throw my phone/recorder away! I literally gave up at one point, lost confidence and said “nah I’m not a singer.” (Don’t believe me? then go track my progress: https://youtube.com/channel/UCUAoh_7KuONJAcBAY_9pHgg)

Anyway, as i continued to go thru life singing as I was on the streets or even at work, the response was the same for everyone i ran into: “Dana you really do have a beautiful voice.”
so i #triedagain……began recording myself and realized that being a singer didn’t mean that I had to have so many vibratos in my vocals or that i had to do so many ad-libs. Sometimes a song just requires you so let go of the fear and sing from your heart. BUT THEN THERES ANOTHER PROBLEM……..when I begin to press record, I began to shake and get nervous all over again…..its just me and the recorder so what am I afraid of here??!!!……NEVER A DULL MOMENT! So what do I do now?

Stay tuned!
#tryagain

But I know I can sing!

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She began to loose hope in herself. Fear had become such a huge part of her life in this particular category that it sickened her. She didn’t want to be afraid, but when she got on stage to sing she choked. It appeared as though she couldn’t sing at all. But place her in the shower, or during a workout, or at the supermarket and her voice sounded astonishing. If she was at the supermarket people would smile and say “wow you have a beautiful voice.” If she was at walmart, someone would tap her shoulder and say “You belong on american idol.” If she was at work and just taking care of her patient as she did a dressing change (she is a nurse) and just singing a small lullaby , her patient would say “ur a wonderful nurse but girl u picked the wrong career, you need to be onstage somewhere.”

But put her onstage to sing, and she was a shipwreck. Her hands would shake and get sweaty, she would feel dizzy, her throat closed up, tears welled up in her eyes and her stomach hurt so bad. it is at those moments that she dreaded being a singer. but in all honesty, singing was the only thing that kept her afloat, made her feel alive and that life was bearable. So she challenged herself. She began to sing more and anywhere. Even when she didn’t feel like it, She stopped hiding in the shadows of always being a back up singer and began to step forth for solo’s. But it wasn’t easy because there were moments when she cried right before shows and told herself….. “but i know i can sing!, i just have to get through tonight, i just have to sing this song, no ad-libs, just sing!”

That girl is me, Dana. This is for those that have been rejected and told that they weren’t talented. The people that allowed fear to make them hostage and cripple their gift. those that gave up on themselves but at some point knew that they had to get back up and fight because their gift would just go to waste. Sometimes people like this or like me just need hope and a place for encouragement/growth. This is the place.

#tryagain

Punish Him Not!……

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“He’s amazing, he opens doors for me, he actually listens to what I’m saying, he hears what I’m not saying and he sees right threw me. He cares about me, he makes me feel worth it and I don’t have to be what I’m not. He hugs me and suddenly I no longer have any more worries.”

This what she said to a friend over the phone and the friend says “I’m so happy for u, you have been through a lot.”

she’s been told many times that someone would come along that would make her feel appreciated but she had no idea that her past would cause her to unintentionally affect the man that she didn’t want to loose. she didn’t know how to accept the pure affection that he had to offer her. she didn’t know that a man could care so much without wanting anything selfish in return. What planet was he from? And how does she stop pushing him away? Does he understand that her fear of failure in this with him is keeping her from being who she really wants to be? she doesn’t want another failed relationship that she has to recover from.

He proved her wrong IN SO MANY WAYS, he was not a monster waiting to be unleashed, he actually sincerely cared wholeheartedly. He called to check up on her (that was new for her), he wanted to hang out with her even when she got her period (that was weird for her), he didn’t just call her and tell her that he was coming over for sex and to be ready when he got to the door, he actually cared and this scared her. At times she wondered why he was being so nice. He was nice because thats who he is. Now if she can just make her mind believe this she would be perfect.

As she pushed him away, she realized it hurt him. But how could she get him to understand that she never meant to. That it was happening unintentionally. That her past had taught her to expect nothing from no one and to be EXTREMELY INDEPENDENT. That she didn’t know how to accept his affection because she’s never really had it at this measure. That being transparent meant he would see her wounded side and those memories brought pain and tears.  How could she get him to believe in her and be patient and know that she will get better. Disagreements occurred, but the sad part is that even after the disagreement that she still preferred to be in his arms and no one elses. That he was the first thing she thought about in the morning and the last thing she thought about before bed. That he was amazing to her in ways that he will never know. Through him, she believes in love and marriage again….she felt alive in his presence and time didn’t exist when she was with him.

Now her prayer is that he doesn’t walk away. That God captures his heart and whispers to it to not give up on her. That he forgives her for messing up sometimes and comparing him to her ex’s that hurt her. That he always remembers that he is her favorite person. But most importantly that he doesn’t give up on her.

Lesson/Encouragement: Never let pain from the past hinder you from receiving love or affection from another. Its not fair to them and can cause you to loose the one that God has sent for you. Let the foundation between you and a significant other be built on trust, understanding and transparency. However the most important of the three is understanding. Without understanding, one party will always be upset at the other. Practice understanding between the two of you until one day no words have to be said and the other partner just gets it. It is also important to be selfless and stand in the shoes of the other person or the relationship will not survive. Patience is always key.

But what about me?

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She wonders when it will be her turn. When will it be her turn to be in love without pain. She knows her friends and family were concerned, so she tried to confide in her friends, but regrets it because of the pity that she receives afterward. She lives with the consistent memory of the man that wounded her laughing at her to her face and calling her “fragile”……….so who does she have to run to? Her mom?……..Nope! her mom would worry. In so many ways she just wanted to be left alone at that time and disappear but she has a heart of gold. The only thing that kept her alive was her love for music (Gospel). Gospel music was the only reminder that she was not alone in what she is going through. It allowed her to be able to sleep at night in her bed alone. Or when she cried herself to sleep, it reminds her that the pain won’t last always. That she is entitled to feel her pain and that just because she was hurting that this does not mean that she was “fragile” it just means that she was slowly becoming stronger. It reminds her that she was not a bad person for the silly descions she has made, but that she was a woman that can have many chances at life as long as she finds it in her to fight back and stand tall. That she just needed to tell someone how badly her heart was broken, someone that didn’t make her feel bad for hurting.

What also upsets her was that she no longer believed in marriage. That she could never even imagine what it would be like for a man to actually want to spend the rest of his life with her AND put a ring on her finger. Or that a man would even embarrass himself in public for her to get on his knees  to propose to her. Now was she married before? YES! but that previous marriage was in a court and there was no ring involved………Anyway, her confidence was so broken again that she literally just lives from day to day hoping she can just get through the day. But she can’t let anyone know  how she feels because its not sexy for a woman to be weak or fragile especially around a man. So she is alone. No-one. And all she can do is wait for God to remember her somehow. Wait for God to perform a miracle. Any type of miracle as long as the pain goes away.

 

Lesson/Encouragement:

SHE IS NOT FRAGILE, SHE IS STRONG

HER PAIN DOESN’T DEFINE WHO SHE IS

Broken hearts do heal

HAVING AN OUTLET DOES NOT MAKE HER A BAD PERSON or seeking public attention BUT SELF AWARE and a form of healing medicine

SHE IS WORTH IT, always has been and always will be.

Is God Really that mean?…….

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Does he have feelings like we do? Why does it always seem like he is punishing someone or leaving them?……. Believe it or not, this was HER thought process. Can she blame the church that she came from and left,  for the way that she began to think about God? YES!!!!…..did this past church have an influence on the way that she viewed God? YES!…But was it wise to place the blame on them? NO ……..Was it up to her to personally seek God for herself? YES……….Was she tired of going to that church and being in complete paralyzing fear only to have God remind her everyday that he simply just loved her for her? ……YES!!!!

As time progressed, she eventually did leave that church and began to work on herself. Her and some others walked away from that church and as they left and built each other up, they became the best of friends (that was the only good thing that came out of all of this, they even still talk to this very day, everyday)……But in the mist of it all, All she knew was that she loved God and that her heart dwelled in the sweet taste of worship. Worship became a place that she lived in where no one could hurt her or influence her. No one could tell her that she had to dress a certain way or look a certain way to be able to go to heaven. All she knew was that when she was in worship she was safe. But how can she fully worship a God that she was afraid of?

Leaving that church came with consequences tho. Rumors began to spread…..she was seen as a Jezebel or the woman that left the church because she was upset that she couldn’t marry the pastor. She was even called a “Peter” because she denied the “pastor” as her spiritual father. she was told that she was going to be cursed because she and her friends left and that God would take everything from her and she would become homeless. Then the final rumor was that God left her, he was no longer with me. These words hurt her so bad that she can remember crying for months, 9 months to be exact ……There would be times when she would be in front of her friends and couldn’t tell them what was going on but she would literally just have silent tears coming down her cheeks. They would ask her whats wrong and she just couldn’t speak. she was me.

I began to get angry and realized that I could no longer swim in a sea of tears and I had to find him for myself. I began to search my bible, the word of god, and look for what I needed. I needed answers…..So I began with the rumor that hurt me the most: Rumor #1: “God has left her.”………..everyone knows the common verse “God will never leave you nor forsake you.” But i needed more than that. So i came across Psalms 73:23 “…yet i am always with you, you hold me by my right hand” …This verse meant the world to me because as time progressed I finally began to see God as dad  (i didn’t grow up with one, it was just me and my mom). In my prayers, instead of saying God, I would say…. “but dad”……but i began to do this without realizing that i was actually doing it for maybe 2 months. When I finally realized it, i was astounded!!!….. The fact that i was doing this was amazing because it meant that i was getting closer and closer to seeing god as less of a mean God and more as a father (Jeremiah 3:19 “Thou Shalt call me, MY FATHER, and shall not turn away from me.”)……I was one step closer to freedom from the words of others!!!!………..Anyway back to Psalms 73:23………that verse says you hold me by my right hand. It reminded me of the little girls that i use to see on the street as a kid and their dads would pick them up from school and hold their hand and I would be jealous because I always wanted a dad in my life to. Now I had one because i know that i know that he holds my right hand. So that rumor from that church was cancelled because not only was god with me but he ALSO holds my right hand.

So now you are probably asking……”ok so now that God is dad what happens now?”……………

My Truth

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She moved to a new state and is embraced by many of a particular church. These people become her closest friends, they love her and she learns the true meaning of mercy towards others no matter how much people may hurt her……but then things changed and she began to hear Sermons of:

”women are not to wear earrings, pants, or even walk around with their hair uncovered, women shouldn’t perm their hair, make-up is a sin,  and can and will take you to hell.”

“expect demons to attack you at night, this is normal and is part of the cup you must drink as a Christian .”

“Jesus took me to hell to show me those who didn’t make it and many were women”

“I woke up this morning with my body sore and knew that it was because God had scolded me in my sleep and i most likely deserved it, so when you guys feel sore in the morning it was God punishing you for something you did.”

“God will come to many and tell them to give up their jobs and stop going to school, there will even be some that must serve the man of God in order to enter into the destiny of their ministry”

”there are billions of demons, i was only able to get the names of a few but as you learn their names, take notes on how to defeat them and what to say exactly  to each demon because each demon requires something different.”

i began to think to myself “but since when has demons and looks become more important than learning about the love of god and his promises towards us?” But out of fear she remained in that church.

So as a result of everything she heard, she threw away all pants that she owned, cut her hair off and went natural, threw away all her earrings and make up and at this point began dressing like a nun. By this time she was so afraid of God, she no longer wanted to talk to him. Prayer was not an option anymore, why did she have to learn what exact prayer to say for each demon and their name…….she no longer wanted to pray to the one that could allow so much rules and misery. Others had warned her that this was an occult but she thought that an occult had a different meaning.

However, what she failed to understand is that its not what she wears as a Christian that determines if she makes it to heaven or not, its her actions toward others and her heart.

The only thing she knew for sure was that singing was the only thing that soothed her fearful heart……..When she encountered this fear that she had of God, she actually wandered off into a place of understanding as to why many people are atheist. Why many believed that it was impossible to be a christian, there seemed to be so many rules and no way to be able to be yourself in the mist of serving this scary god. She began to miss being herself and felt as though she was living in a box with no air. She was trapped. And She was now at the point where She wanted to leave but was told….. “if you leave the church you will be cursed.”……WHERE IS THE HOPE?!!!…… what exactly does she do here?……

Lesson/Encouragement: its not what you wear as a Christian that determines if you makes it to heaven or not, its your actions toward others and her heart.

 

The search for the one thing she lost………..confidence

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She was astounded by the fact that she could be married and the one man that she believed she could spend the rest of her life with had damaged her in more ways than anyone can ever imagine. Because of how things took place and the infidelity, she had convinced herself that she was no longer worthy of love, that no one would ever be able to love her or even want her after this, that she was no longer beautiful and that she would never be happy again. But then when it actually came out of his mouth towards her, she believed it and then behaved as so. He would even go as far as to tell her that just because she had a degree and a car doesn’t make her better than him. The divorce was long and crucial. But she survived that.

There was always this saying that said that “the most attractive thing is a woman’s confidence.”  But She lost her confidence, so what did she really have at this point. After the divorce she remained to herself and suffered heavy depression in addition to loosing her confidence. She wouldn’t talk to anyone, not even family and friends and just lived in  this dark world of isolation. She even contemplated suicide but begged god to help her.

One day her mother finally got ahold of her and said “baby I know that your hurting inside, and I’m hurting due to the fact that you are hurting, but u have to fight to live.” She realized that her mother was  right so she did the best she could day after day. Sometimes just surviving the day was an accomplishment for her. Slowly but surely she began to hang post-its around her house to remind her that she was beautiful, that she was worthy, that she was worth it, that she can and will love again, and that god will send someone to love her despite her flaws. Building herself back up became a long process but it was worth it.

 

Lesson/Encouragement:  Life happens, hurt and pain occurs, but sometimes if all u did was survive the day in your hardest moments then this is an accomplishment…..it doesn’t mean that you are a failure but an ongoing conquerer……So be encouraged.